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Get the F Off My Lawn/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: That was a strong wind storm last night, huh? Oscar Leroy: I've seen worse. Wind storm of '85, remember that? Moved the whole town five feet to the left. Emma Leroy: Everyday a little bit crazier. Oscar: I'm just trying to top her story. Lacey: That wasn't a story, that was a remark. Oscar: Topsy! Stamped it, locked it, stuffed it in my pocket. Lacey: You are a freak, you know that? Oscar: I knew a freak once... Emma: Stop topping. Hank Yarbo: Hey, where's your F 'n E? Lacey: Hank, this is a family restaurant. Hank: No, where's your F and E? Lacey: Where's my F 'n E? Lady: I think we'll eat somewhere else. Lacey: Oh, no, no, no. Don't leave. I wasn't cursing, I was just talking about the... aw, sh-... Wanda Dollard: Hank's in my parking spot again. Brent Leroy: Oh, first of all you don't have a parking spot. And second of all parking spots are for valued customers. Wait, why do you have a parking spot? Hank: I'm your best buddy. Brent: I guess there's some value to that. Wanda: He doesn't even work here and he has a parking spot. Brent: You don't do any work around here and you get a cheque every week. Wanda: Me? The only stain on your work shirt is from relish. I'm sick of being taken for granted. And I'm sick of my wobbly stool. Hank: You should see Doc Russell about that. Wanda: Hilarious. Hank: No, I'm serious. He's also a carpenter. He makes stools. Wanda: Well, I don't want a new one, I just want this one fixed. Look at it. It's like I'm riding a mechanical bull. Except I'm not wearing a halter top. It was in the '80's, I was trying new things...look, I just want a non-wobbly stool. Is that too much to ask? Davis Quinton: Well, the wind wouldn't have blown them any further than this. Someone obviously took them. Lacey: Maybe you should put out an APB on the F and E. Davis: That's a lot of paperwork. Lacey: That's just a little letter humour. Davis: You sure you want those letters back? You see, now would be a good opportunity to for you to spell something different. Like, cake, cash, carrots. Lacey: Can't. Davis: You'd put up "can't?" Lacey: No, I mean, I won't. Davis: Why would people stop for "won't?" I wouldn't. Lacey: Just find the letters please. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Karen, taste this. What does it taste like? Karen: Jam. Fitzy: Good, I want you to judge a jam contest. Karen: Why can't you do it? Fitzy: I bit my tongue. Hank: Ten bucks if you can stop it with your tongue. Fitzy: Easy money. Ah! Karen: What is with this town and contests? Fitzy: It's easy. You just taste the jams and then declare Emma the winner. Karen: So, you want me to be impartial but give Emma the prize. Fitzy: Yeah, she's won the contest 15 years in a row. Her jam's the best. Karen: So, just knock on her door and give her the prize. Your contest is a waste of time. Fitzy: Are you judging me? Karen: A little. Fitzy: Good, use that and then declare Emma the winner. Brent: What's this? Wanda: A list of demands for better working conditions. Brent: "Extended vacation time, permanent parking spot, sturdier stool...". You make this sound like a sweatshop. Wanda: Oh, that reminds me. Brent: I do wear deodorant. What about the benefits of working here, huh? Number one, it's indoors so when it rains you don't get wet. You have full access to magazines, unfettered...there's a window. Need I go on? Wanda: Yes, unfettered horizon is not on my list of demands. Brent: All right, to show you I'm a just and fair boss I'm going to fix your stool. There you go, one de-wobblified stool. Who's the man? Wanda: Seriously, what kind of deodorant? Because that's not getting it done. Davis: We're looking for a couple lost letters. You seen them? Brent: I think I saw that one last night. Lacey: Really? Where? Brent: Did you see that? Wanda: What the "F?" Brent: Yeah. Lacey: Now, you're sure it was an "F" and not a broken "E?" Brent: Could have been. Davis: This case just got a lot more complicated. Category:Transcripts